it's been a long while hasn't it

how good it feels to gain all my senses back again. just weeks ago i tasted how it feels like to lose control, and it wasn't enjoyable at all. it was like walking in another person's skin which felt totally alien. day after day i trudged along in this new unfamiliar new skin, and for the first time in a very long time, i was struggling to keep up with everything and anything at all. at times i felt like i lost myself and at times i felt like just breaking down and giving everything up. but i kept going. i kept going for fear of being left behind. i kept going because everyone was doing the same. i kept going because i thought in the end it will all be worth it. and now i'm at the end, and the whole journey still felt pretty shitty.

but i grew. maybe not for the better, maybe not very significant, but i grew. and i learned a lot of new things. i learned how cynical i can be, and i was already pretty damn cynical back then. i learned how uncaring and unthoughtful i can be sometimes, and i hurt probably more than a few people along the way, including myself. i learned how selfish i am. i learned how to cheat and take short cuts i'm not supposed to, but took anyway. i learned how fragile things can be.

but i also learned to trust less of the wrong people, and to trust more in the right ones. i also learned how ordinary things can be so magnificent under a different light. i learned to not always simplify and dismiss things because there is always more than meets the eyes. because things had never been that simple.

i learned to fail graciously, but i'm still learning to get back up.

i learned of the importance of sweet King Pin donuts on a very stressful day.

it's only been months here, but something here makes me feel like i've been here for an eternity already. as i walk through the alleys of berkeley to get my favorite lunch (oh God forbid, Chipotle), i learned to taste and smell berkeley for what it is. it's been a long time since i did that. all berkeley has been for the past few weeks were hurried take out lunches and dinners, a blur of assignments and due dates, working in the library till late, and never ending exams. but today i slowed down to take in the beautiful colors of the sky as it turns from a turqoise blue to a blueberry pink and then to a magenta black. and the weather couldn't have been more perfect. crisp and cool, yet not cold enough that i start losing the feel of the nerves at the tip of my fingers again. had berkeley always been this beautiful? i stood waiting for the bus that would save me 20 minutes of walking, and saw the bustle of people walking past, talking quickly, groceries in one hand and phone in the other. and there i was, pacing around the same spot, marvelling at the pace at which things were going. had i been one of those people?

the first few weeks of winter break was spent snuggled warmly around the love of family. strangely, the US seems a lot more magical when spent with family. suddenly, this strange new land doesn't seem too bad anymore. sadly, the first time i was here it wasn't like that. every step was taken with caution, every move was thought twice or maybe more. i think that still hasn't changed much. but i'm learning. i'm trying to convince myself that it's normal to feel left out and that i just have to learn to adjust myself, giving up certain things to fit myself in. but to what extent must i do that? how much of the old way with which i spoke should i give up just for them to understand what i'm speaking about? how much of my malaysian-ness should i let go to fit in with the crowd? family made me feel that i don't have to give them up at all. that i'm not alone here. family made me feel that they are the outsiders instead, and that all that matters is home and familiarity and comfort and the warmth.

the family went back yesterday, and now i'm back to feeling alone now. at least, for a while, before everything that spells academics comes pouring and rushing back in to berkeley again. but this time, i will not feel like i'm stepping into an unfamiliar land again. it won't be like last time, because this time, i've come prepared. one semester has taught me a lot, and knowing there's nothing about myself i have to change or be shameful about, hopefully i will not fail this sem like i did the last. i won't try to be what i'm not, i'll try to stay true to myself.

and with that i shall start my new year and new semester on a positive note. happy new year folks :)

anyway, anyone of you who still reads this should give yourselves a pat on the back. God knows when the next update will be.

a post about many things

pardon the hiatus. if you haven't found out, a few friends (nellie, yoke ching, khai ren) and i went to germany for a lil competition called rubicon. sponsored. oh yeah IJM if you're reading this, WE HEART YOU. TRULY. seriously, you guys are too kind. not sure if you'll be disappointed with our performance but we bought a nice wine for you guys :D

no prizes for guessing whether we won or lost.

being typical tourists, we started snapping pictures at literally EVERYTHING in sight once we landed. maybe it was because it was for most of us, our first time being in europe, that we became so jakun. (i mean, imagine if tourist started snapping pictures upon arrival at klia!) i had to admit, it started to get embarassing pretty soon as Tobias (our driver) just stood there and let us marvel around like kids in a toy factory.

one thing to be remembered is (for me) the train system. it's so darn complicated! yet so efficient! the train arrives EXACTLY at the time stated. not one second earlier, not one second later. you come half a minute later the train says goodbye to you. malaysians living with malaysian time would have problems here. no offence but the train system there is like the exact counterpart of our ones here. and their older trains are fast.

and this, my friends, is the largest cathedral in germany. it's in kohl (cologne). and just next to the train station. me and nel exited the train station wondering how we're going to navigate our way to the dom when we realized it was just next to us. it was HUGE. and TALL. and the tower pictured is the shorter one of the two. my camera couldn't even take all of it at once. (but then again my camera couldn't do a lot of things. gahhh) and we climbed all the way to the top. took us nearly half an hour to climb all the way up. should give you an idea of how tall it really is.

anyway i think i'll talk about germany more next time. there are just too many things to talk about, too many pictures. and i'm lazy. very lazy. and germany was awesome. so one post by a very lazy me would not justify.

and so we arrived at the airport a few hours ago before the return flight. and i just found out i would be on the plane when MIT results are released. and nellie just found out she got into Washington University in St Louis (congratz girl!). and we shopped. duty free. (chocolates!!!) and we bid farewell to the biting cold. and dryness. and all the wonderful food we've had. and all the amazing people we've met. and all the friendly germans who despite their lack of command of the english language, were always eager to help us out whenever we asked for it.

and i found out i got rejected by MIT. unsurprisingly.

and i got accepted by University of Washington, Seattle.

and i (finally) removed my braces.

and i got waitlisted at University of Chicago.

and i got rejected by Northwestern University.

but i got accepted by University of California, Berkeley!

OMG I'M SO HAPPY AND SO GRATEFUL

i am really really really THANKFUL that you accepted me, berkeley! i forgot to give you my phone number, and you so kindly mailed a letter all the way to my house to remind me. i submitted your application 5 mintues before the deadline. yet you accepted me T_T thank you thank you!

and to all those who've congratulated me. thanks! i hope you all get what you want too! april 1st. the anxiety!

ok so this isn't a post about a lot of things anyway. see, i told you i'm lazy.

it's written in the stars

click it.

hypothesis proven

the walls in our dorm are not smell-proof.

'nuff said.

oh the horrors

you know what's worse than calculus 2?

saturday classes.

nooooooooo you just ruined my weekends mr koong T_T

FIVE saturdays for that matter.

argh

and this saturday is a test 1. worth 25%. hurray.

*

random fact of the day:

(if i'm not mistaken) Ng Hui Lin's mother went to Yale! woohoo!

do you believe in faith?

do you think hope keeps you alive? you know that tiny voice somewhere deep down that tells you to always look at the brighter side of things and hang on even when everything was on the verge of falling apart? the thing that perches on your shoulders when daily grinds keep them hunched, whispering words of comfort into your ears while your body tires and wears out. could you live without that? or couldn't you?

how about faith? what is faith? is faith a matter of opinion? a belief? or is it just a choice? perhaps like in those darned multiple choice questions with options A to D? so is there a right answer? is there a wrong one? so is faith the answer to the question? or is it the question that begs for answers?

what about belief? is it another word for faith? or is it just an opinion subjected to personal view? so does that mean everyone is entitled to his or her belief? then how does faith work then?

but then again, what is dream? what is hope?

if you're into annoyingly addictive mini games

The Red Square

very annoyingly addictive indeed.

and my record is 40.5 seconds hohoho

things i've been doing

- helping out with JPA magazine

- oh i still have the newsletter layout to do. aiks

- practicing Rachmaninoff Moment Musicaux no. 4 and Hungarian Rhapsody no. 6

- hating moral

- scrabble

- studying for econs test which is in less than 10 hours

- accounts test

- freaking out on college confidential

- frisbee

oh and the best part is, of all the things i've forgotten to bring, it had to be my wallet.

money settled, but all my cards and driver's license T_T

ok back to econs and chemistry

some cartoons...

... never get old :)

a little too not over you

i think i'm the biggest procrastinator. ever. i sit around and waste time doing practically nothing until it isn't possible to put things off anymore. good example: all my applications were sent in hours or even minutes before the deadline with the exception of stanford.

i never really liked packing. i'll either have too many stuff to bring, or i wouldn't even know what to bring. finishing MIT at 4am, i stoned in front of the laptop and realized i haven't packed a single thing, and in hours i would be going back to nilai. sigh.

ok, i know resolutions don't always (never) come true. but here goes:

1. manage time better

this should be a challenge.

i don't quite get people who like to have people around them 24/7. sometimes, it feels just so... liberating to break away and be by yourself, ignoring calls and smses. my timetable has been generous to me. no eight o'clock classes to bug me from my sleep. ahhhh sleep, words just couldn't describe the wonders of being asleep.

i think the best thing about being in nilai is that it is so ulu, you tend to be more creative in whatever you do. just to avoid having to eat in the cafeteria and in the shops outside college (most of which were closed down before because of hygiene problems), you bring rice cookers and can food. and somehow you manage to survive for another day. yipee.

also, when you have nothing to do, you dust off the cover of that monopoly or scrabble set that has been hiding under your cupboard, and invite a few friends along to play. then because of lack of good letters, you ruin a good game of scrabble. or because of pure bad luck, you don't manage build any houses or hotels on your territory, and you end up bullying others into paying measly rents. swell.

this is inti, folks.

damn you people with no friday classes! *sulks*